2nd Secret . . .

As promised:
Here's part 2 of the report, "7
Secrets for a Stronger Marriage."

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"7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage."
By Mort Fertel
SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH

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Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or drop off your keys, but the song does make a good
point about how to succeed in marriage.

See, the song's ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you
could do either.

You want to improve your marriage, right? Good...you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you improve your marriage?

Let's be clear about one thing first. It has to be an ACTION. Contrary to popular opinion, love is NOT a feeling. It's a verb--the result of ACTIONS YOU CHOOSE every day.

Okay, but what action?

Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive, LOVING, verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat.

A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a LOVING physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment.

Cindy (not her real name) is a client for whom I did marriage coaching. In one of our sessions, I noticed that Cindy was resistant to incorporating Touch Charges and Talk Charges into her relationship with her husband. She kept trying to change the subject. She said she wanted to discuss "bigger" matters. I couldn't imagine why she was so hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE acts of love. Finally, I challenged Cindy and said, "Cindy, what's the problem. This is marriage renewal 101."

Eventually, Cindy told me why she didn't want to talk about Touch Charges and Talk Charges. "My marriage is horrible." Cindy said. "I need a BIG solution. I just don't think talking and touching is going to make a difference."

Cindy expressed a common thought, but she couldn't be more WRONG.

You don't succeed in marriage because of one Herculean event. There's no gift you can give, favor you can do, or letter you can write. When your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to want to "microwave" it better. But you can't. There's no quick fix. It took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take time for you to get out of it. And what's the way out? Listen carefully.

Successful spouses do SMALL THINGS in great ways for a long time.

Do you want REAL change and LASTING love in your marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for example.

I guaranteed Cindy that if she would talk and touch REGULARLY, she would see a dramatic difference in her marriage. I promised Cindy that if I was wrong, I would personally fly to Nashville and give an entire day of marriage coaching to Cindy and her husband for free (worth $2500). Cindy agreed to try. I've still never been to Nashville.

Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL great feats are accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make a BIG difference.

What if you don't feel like talking and touching? What if you haven't talked in days? What if you haven't touched in weeks?

The answer is--DO IT ANYWAY. I know it'll be hard, but do it.

The best way to change how you feel is to change what you do. If you wait until you feel like doing it, you'll be stuck forever. Just do it (more on this topic in secret 3).

If you were out of shape and the doctor told you to exercise 30 minutes each day, you wouldn't feel like doing that either. Success takes DISCIPLINE. What's discipline? Discipline is doing what you know you should do when you don't want to do it. That's worth saying again. Discipline is doing what you know you should do when you don't want to do it. Muster up some discipline and start talking and touching.

Do you remember when you used to just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park.

In the morning before you part for the day, share something with your spouse. In the middle of day, call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don't have to be all sweetsie if you don't want to. But make sure you don't discuss anything logistical. And don't fight! Just talk.

You and/or your spouse probably feel you don't get enough attention from each other. As discussed, it could be that you need to talk more. But you also probably need to touch more.

REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Make it clear that you're touching them solely to connect in that moment. Try a warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play with their feet. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can
carry you through an entire evening.

In my seminars, I give coins to a volunteer TWICE. The first time I drop it into his hand. The second time I place it in his hand and graze his hand while doing so. The volunteer is not always sure why, but when I ask which time I gave him the coins was a more pleasant experience, he always says it was the second time...when I TOUCHED him. Touch creates more than just a physical connection. It makes us feel different inside.

When you caress your spouse's hand, play with their feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are completely connected with them. Fill your marriage with a few
of those moments each day and your relationship will begin to change.

Now I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering what you're going to say and how you're going to touch. I figure if there's 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least as many ways to touch them or talk to them. So here's my "50 ways" list. Don't be overwhelmed. I created 50 so you would have options. Once again, my challenge to you is to pick 2...in the next 24 hours do 1 Talk Charge and 1 Touch Charge.

MORT'S 50 WAYS TO TALK AND TOUCH LIST

1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's
decisions

2. Share dessert with one fork

3. What was "your song" when you were dating? Call
your spouse and sing it to them.

4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or
home and give them a kiss... and then leave.

5. Play footsie next time you sit together

6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your
spouse

7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really
listen

8. Kiss your spouse upon waking

9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping

10. Caress your spouse's hand

11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while
driving

12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each
other

13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours

14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing

15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them
know you are thinking of them

16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage

17. Share a story from the news or your day that
you thought was interesting

18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's
looking...

19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all
over again, you'd choose them

20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their
concern

21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in
bed

22. Fall asleep holding hands

23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time
they leave the house

24. Call your spouse at work with the latest news.

25. Have a tickle "fight"

26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently
made

27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a
better person--tell them now

28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite
physical trait

29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud

30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of
your gaze--share your feelings

31. Share what you most admire about your spouse

32. Have a "remember when?" moment.

33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a
challenging time in your life

34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you
are in the same room

35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce

36. Hold hands under the table

37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes

38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him
with love

39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch
her with love

40. Knead the same dough together

41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking

42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability to
overcome a problem

43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you
can help

44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day...deliver
it with a kiss

45. Send your spouse a fax with your special "code
words" for I Love You!

46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock - wake them
with a massage

47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while
he/she is reading

48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't
wait to see him/her again

49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt
anyone

50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping

More to come in Part 3.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach